How to Handle Rule Bullies on the Golf Course

Ever play with someone who uses the rules like a weapon?
 Yeah… this episode is for that situation.

Today we’re talking about mean girl energy on the golf course—rule enforcers who come in hot, loud, and intimidating (sometimes while being totally wrong). I break down why this behavior messes with your head, how it pulls you out of your game, and what’s actually going on with the person doing the correcting.

You’ll learn how to stay grounded, protect your focus, and stop letting someone else’s need to be right hijack your round. Because rules are meant to protect the game—not someone’s ego.

Let’s keep your brain calm, your confidence intact, and your shots where they belong.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Above Par. I'm your host, Kathy Hartwood. I show you how to take more of your talent to the golf course without practicing harder, taking more lessons, or buying new equipment. I show you how to end the frustration of underperforming so you can start playing to your potential. This is where you are going to learn how to think above par so you can play below par. Let's get to it. Hello, my golf friend. Welcome back to Think Above Par. I'm super happy you're here. Thank you for listening, by the way, and inviting your friends to listen. Hopefully they're nice friends, because today I want to talk about bullies. Mean girls on the golf course. This conversation came up in your mental caddy. I had a call, I invited everybody on, and we just started talking about the rules, really. And then it talked about people who are mean about the rules or are very like squeaky wheel. They're really loud about them, even if they're wrong, which has happened to me several times. Where even as a pro, and I I'm not gonna be someone who says that I know the rule rules really well. I question myself all the time. They change. I'm not a person who's memorized all the rules. I have a rule book that I refer to. I've gotten disqualified in a tournament from not playing a rule properly. I've gotten penalized for it. So I always double and triple check the rules. I know where to access them. If I'm playing in a tournament, I have a rule book on me. Now you can use your phone to access it. But sometimes if you're uncertain about the rule and someone comes at you very aggressively or calling you out on a ruling, it can be very intimidating. And I think there's two sides to this podcast. There's one, you being the receiver of someone being that strict rule follower or the person who comes out and corrects you on something that seems very benign and getting flustered and not knowing the rules. And the person who is adamant on being the enforcer of the rules. So I want to talk about both of those scenarios. It was funny, in the call, Karen, I think she was playing with some women who were having this conversation about there was a lady in the group who was adamant that the rule was that while she putted, everybody had to clear the green and be off the green. And that was a rule. And she was so loud and vocal about this that the other people in the group were like, pretty sure that's not a rule. But then all of a sudden, is it a rule? And so they ended up asking Karen, who plays in a lot of tournaments, is that a rule? And she's like, of course that's not a rule. But what happens is because this person came out so aggressively and assertively and so sure of themselves on the ruling, that it can make you start questioning whether you actually know the rule. So I want to talk about two sides of this. And the core idea that I want you to know is rules are meant to protect the game. But some people use them to protect their ego. So this episode isn't about ignoring the rules, it's about managing your mind when someone uses the rules to intimidate, embarrass, or control you. So whichever side of the equation you're on, I want you to listen to both. If you're raising your hand, you're like, oh yeah, I'm enforcing those rules out there. Or if you're the other person raising your hand going, oh yeah, I've had those people come up to me and be a stickler for the rules. And the thing to be aware of is that rule knowledge does not equate to emotional maturity. Some people can come in with a caustic tone. Their timing can be poor on when they bring up a ruling. They can do public call-outs where they call you out in front of a bunch of different people, which will cause a lot of embarrassment. And then they use I'm just following the rules as a way of having some kind of social dominance per se. I'm just following the rules. I'm protecting the field because there is a huge difference between honoring the rules and weaponizing them. And I want you to be able to discern the difference. Right? Some common scenarios where you're being corrected mid-round publicly. Maybe someone's waiting for the worst possible moment to speak up after it happens, so you're definitely going to get penalized. Over-explaining the rules so that they feel it's superior, passive-aggressive rule enforcement, or mean girl energy disguised as doing it right. Right? I'm just doing the right thing. If it feels more about power than the rule, it probably is. Because these scenarios can trigger some embarrassment for you. It pulls your focus away from the game and what you're doing at that given moment. You create self-doubt. You might ruminate on it and think about it over and over again. It can activate your people pleasing. So you're just like, okay, fine, whatever, I'll just do whatever you say, even though your gut's telling you, I don't think that's the rule. Or you might just shut down altogether. Right? The damage isn't the rule itself. It's what your brain does after the ruling. Okay, so the thing to remember is for you, as the person who is receiving someone coming at you with correcting you or calling out a ruling, is that you want to pay attention to your reaction, how you're feeling at that moment. It can come across in their, you'll you'll feel it and hear it in their tone or their delivery or their need to be right, the person who's saying it to you. And I want you to be aware of how you're receiving it, where your attention goes, what story are you creating? How much is it going to affect your current moment where you're getting flustered, you're distracted, your partner if you have one, the rest of that hole, or the rest of the round, depending on how many holes you have left. Right? Because the rule may be valid. They might be right, you might be dropping it incorrectly, you may have done something really flagrant. The rule may be right, the behavior may be unnecessary on how they delivered it.

unknown 5:33

Right?

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Because your brain's going to start going to, oh my gosh, this is embarrassing. I've screwed up. You start feeling dumb, like you don't know. You can feel defensive.

unknown 5:43

Right?

SPEAKER_00 5:43

So I want you to be really self-aware of how you are on receiving a rules correction from somebody. Pay attention to their tone, how they're behaving, first off. There's definitely ways to deliver it without feeling like they need to be in control. That's them, but you can't control that, right? But how are you receiving it? Make it as neutral as you possibly can. And then definitely empower yourself with the rules. Open up an app on your phone, have a rule book, get the answer. If you're not sure and it's coming at you fast, because on the golf course, it's like, we gotta go. We don't have time for this. And someone can make you feel really stupid, not purposely, per se. You're like, gosh, I didn't even know that. I didn't know that rule. Is it true? She seems so sure of herself. I must be screwing up, right? And then you have to deal with your brain spinning for the rest of that round or a whole. So if you made a mistake, that's okay. We do that in golf. You just get to learn. How the person delivered it is up to them. We're going to talk about that because there are people in the world who are rule sticklers. This is a common personality trait. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just the way that they get to create certainty for themselves. Rules on and off the golf course equal certainty. Certainty feels safe. Safety feels calming. So when the rules are threatened, sometimes they can feel threatened. And that's why they react that way. Strict rule following is actually often about anxiety management, not integrity. It can be about integrity, especially if it's going to really affect the field. But sometimes it's really about just managing their sense of safety relative to the rules. Right. And this is a this is a concept that's interesting because some golfers don't just know the rules, they are the rules. In other words, I'm the one who plays it right. They say, I'm the serious golfer. I know more than you. So if they're wrong, it's not a mistake, it's actually an identity hit. That's why they double down on the ruling. Right? Because when being right, when someone's like, yes, this is the rule, I'm adamant about it. I know it 100%. When being right becomes who you are, being wrong feels unbearable. You know those people who can't admit that they are wrong, that they need to be right all the time? That becomes part of their identity. I played golf with this woman who's probably like a 20-handicap. Actually, that's not true. I didn't play golf. I was running the Ladies Golf Association at this club in New Jersey, and she was playing, and I would roam around to these, to the different groups to check in on them. And there was a ruling, and I gave my opinion on the ruling. I'm open to being wrong. I'm open to double checking and triple checking it. And I did. She was adamant I was wrong. I mean, adamant. She must have said she's 100% sure that the way that she said that you should play it was correct and that I was wrong. I'm like, I'm pretty sure the ruling I'm giving you is correct. So we had to wait till we came into the clubhouse at lunch, get the director of golf. He got out his big USGA book to show her in front of her, like this is exactly the rule, before she was willing to admit that she was wrong, to two golf pros. And I'm not saying golf pros are perfect on the rules, but this was how unwilling she was to be wrong and how important it was to be right. So these are going to be some of the people who are coming at you with rules sometimes. And they're not always right. It's more about them and their identity that is more important to double down before it is to admit that you're wrong. And this is our thing to understand that golf is so uncontrollable. There's so many things that we can't control. But rules, for some people, feel very controllable to them. They can control procedures, technicalities, it's a way that they get to control other people. Correcting people can often feel like a moment of authority or stability or power. And I have witnessed this more times than I can say is that when someone can't control their swing, they try to control the situation. They try to control other people in the group or the field. And when we look at people like, oh my gosh, you're coming off as a biatch right now. You know those people who I'm talking about? And you're wondering, like, what the heck? Does it is it that important to you? For some brains, it is. For some brains, being right feels better than being connected. It's correctness over connection, winning the moment over enjoying the round. Right? It's technically emotional immaturity, but what they're doing is they're regulating themselves, not really educating you. Right? So when they stay adamant, like that lady that I was talking about, even when they're wrong, and you may know people like this off of the golf course, it's because admitting they're wrong doesn't feel very safe. Backtracking feels humiliating, and their nervous system at that moment is already hijacked, it's already activated. So they justify or they explain louder and they dig in. So if that person is calling you out on the rules and your brain is spitting and you're feeling called out and embarrassed and doubtful, like you did something wrong, and their energy is coming at you a little harsh and they're digging in, I want you to know it's not about you. You didn't do something wrong. You're not required to make them more comfortable or fix their discomfort. You get to acknowledge and just validate whether you made the mistake or not, and you get to move on. But the energy that gets coming at you from these loud rule followers is all about them. I had this conversation with somebody who was a really good athlete in tennis. And she was new to golf. And she said sometimes she feels like people who can't compete with their golf game will compete relative to nitpicking people about rules or are sticklers about certain situations so that they can kind of equate the playing field. I don't know. Does that resonate with you with anybody you know? It's like if I can't beat you with my game, I'll beat you with gamesmanship or rules, or maybe deliberately getting in your head. It was an interesting concept. I think about it all the time, especially when I witness different personalities playing the game and how people show up, how they try and compete, how they try and make themselves feel better, how they maybe try and make other people feel worse. But this was about bullies. The bullies who come at you a little harsh with their energy, a little aggressive, how because they're loud doesn't mean they're right, and recognizing what it means actually about them in that situation. And if this in any way helps you get through that next situation a little bit better, get yourself ahead of it, save yourself some shots on those holes, have a better experience while you're out there, then awesome. I'm so glad that you listened. I'd love to carry on this conversation inside your mental caddy. So join me there, yourmentalcaddy.com. Have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you next Wednesday. All right, bye.